It started with a song… that song was you. I generally try not to dwell on the sad things that happen in life, but there are certain times that I think of nothing else. This time of the year is always that way for me. It starts with the holidays and by the time everyone is looking forward to spring and renewal I am reliving the past. My husband is constantly telling me I’m too sensitive, I need to move on, I can’t. So I hide in my own little world waiting for the sun to come out again. However, it is no secret that I can be hypersensitive; I have always been this way. I’m the person who takes things to heart and worries over everything and everyone. I’m the person who shuts down, not because I don’t want you in my life, but because I am afraid of losing you. I’m the person who is scared to tell you how I really feel, you might laugh or worse, you might turn away. I worry constantly and am quiet because I’m never sure if I am good enough.
These traits are more prevalent between December and March because of circumstances beyond my control. I find myself at a loss these days, going through the motions of daily life and staying up till the wee hours of the morning, thinking of the people I have lost and worrying for the ones that are still here.
This winter has been particularly difficult. The frigid temperatures, gusting winds and falling snow kept me inside and allowed me the opportunity to escape into my world. There have been weeks where I haven’t ventured outside of my cocoon of quiet safeness deep inside my mind. Insulated by tears and fears, allowing no one entrance into my hiding place.
I’ve been writing a lot these past few months, poems and stories, letters and sometimes just pure nonsense. Oddly enough I haven’t been posting much. I’d start a post and get lost in the moment and think to myself, ‘no one really wants to read this’. And I would stop. I really wouldn’t recommend this if you were trying to keep a blog alive! But now I’m back to babbling on about my world.
Honestly, not much has happened in my world of late. Other than a few brief forays out and about for doctors appointments, 2 funerals and moving snow from place to place I’ve been hiding from the world. I wish I could say I’ve become a better me with all of this introspection, but I haven’t. Or perhaps that I’ve won the lottery or landed a fabulous new job, but neither would be true. I am simply here.
This Monday, I started another year of wonder and hope along with a small surgery. I’m always wondering why I am still here and hopeful for the chance to remain. I think sometimes an illness is a blessing and a curse. It allows you to look deep into your soul and to enjoy all of the little things we often forget when life is going well. The curse of it all is knowing that at any moment it will all fall away and I’ll be nothing, but perhaps a memory. I guess that will have to do!
Yesterday was St Patrick’s Day, always a holiday in our family and for me very significant. It is a day when I am thinking of a special little man who was once in my life. He is always in my heart, but on his birthday I can think of nothing else. I spent the day remembering and trying to distract myself. My son would have turned eight. It is so hard to imagine that eight years have gone by without him. It is even more difficult to imagine just what we would be doing were he still here. I think his leaving this earth was the worst loss I will ever experience. It is a loss I will never recover from. In every waking moment, he is there and I would have it no other way. He is a part of my world as a memory that I treasure. For a very short while I held pure love in my arms. I’ve learned through this loss that love has no boundaries; it lasts forever as long as someone remembers.
So, I thought I’d share a few things I’ve been doing while I’ve been hiding out…
a poem, a sketch or two and a few songs that have invaded my world for a bit.
spoken in silence
hears a sound
to the darkness
to break this chaos
of the loss
to the whisper
of another world
in the mist of tears
for the day
a thousand worries
a different scene
inside my head
I leave you now with two songs, the first is from My Favourite Faded Fantasy by Damien Rice called ‘Long Long Way’. It has quickly become a favourite of mine since being released in November of 2014. I invite you to listen. If you like it as much as I do, please share!
The second song is from a few years back called ‘Be Here Now’ by Ray LaMontagne. It is one of those songs that always makes me stop what I’m doing to just listen. I hope you enjoy it too!
I’ll say good bye for now dear readers. I thank you for allowing me to share my rambling thoughts! Leave a comment below… I’d love to hear what you have to say!
It started with a song…
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